As chaotic as modern life can be, you can find balance. It’s difficult to get it right, especially when you’re trying to balance life itself while creating an efficient routine to maximize your time as a caregiver.
There’s a big part of being a caregiver that requires control.
The problem is the desire for too much control can stress you out and make you incredibly anxious. This puts you into a state of perpetual tension. Here, we talk about the balancing act and the art of letting go.
Control is an Illusion
It’s the idea that you can dictate all outcomes throughout your life. There are, of course, certain things you can control. If you’re getting a degree, license, or qualification in something, you can control the level of study you put in for the testing process. That’s in your hands.
Not everything is that simple, though, and the reality is most things in life are inherently unpredictable. This is especially true when you are a caregiver. The more you cling to this illusion of control, the more stressed out you become and the more frustrated and disappointed you feel when things don’t go your way. Accept that there are limits to what you can control. This is true for a short-term caregiver, following a surgery, for example. It is especially true for those of us who become long-term caregivers.
Embrace the Uncertainty
Some of the beauty of life lies in its unpredictability, some of the greatest moments of your life probably came from nowhere. Embrace that uncertainty, it might be a shift in your perspective, but it gives you the freedom to navigate new situations with more grace and patience. Don’t resist change, don’t avoid unpredictability, lean in, and recognize there’s a chance for growth. This is easy to say, not so easy to master. Once you do “let go” of the idea that you can control it all, caregiving becomes so much easier.
Cultivate Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a useful tool and a powerful one in your journey to let go and find balance. By cultivating a level of mindfulness, you are detaching yourself from the desperate need to control everything. Focus on the present, find peace, and enjoy clarity in the here and now.
Do not get caught up in the past. Do not obsess about the future. Your loved one may have a disease that is described in stages, particularly if it is progressive. Generally, there is the beginning, with the symptoms that define it. There is a middle that can last for years with few changes. Or is marked with loss of ability in rapid succession. There is an end, which also can come quickly or linger for months. Controlling progression is like trying to control the water in a lake. You can direct it, a little or a lot, but it is going to take its own sweet time and ultimately, go its own way.
There is no definitive progression, no matter the disease.
You can plan ahead to a certain extent and there are certainly similarities in symptoms and loss of abilities, but rarely do people or diseases follow a single standard. My loved one may hang in one stage for years. Your loved one may go from one stage to another in a matter of weeks. The only thing that is certain is that there will be change.
We don’t know and we cannot plan for step 1, step 2, step 3. We may say at step 3, I will do such and such, but when step 3 comes, we go a totally different direction. Because we are changing, our skill levels, our tolerance, our own health, our resources are also changing. There are so many other factors that we cannot predict.
The point is: the future is unknown.
You don’t have to know. You can’t know. We can stew about that fact. Or we can live the best life we can for us and for our loved one.
Identify Your Areas of Control
As important as it is to understand how limited your control can be, it’s just as important to recognize your areas of control. When you understand what you can control, you can focus your efforts and energy on those areas to maximize that control. It also gives you a deep sense of empowerment, without the added burden of trying to manage something that’s unmanageable.
The Process
While some people think letting go is showing weakness, the reality is it’s recognition that you are human. Sometimes, you have to surrender to the process and let life do what it’s going to do without trying to control every single detail. You can’t micromanage, so don’t bother trying!
The Joy of Imperfection
There are two big issues that plague us – the need for control and perfectionism and they go hand-in-hand. When you embrace imperfection, you’re letting go of control – you’re letting go of the idea that everything needs to be flawless and freeing yourself from unrealistic expectations. Find joy in those imperfections, that’s where you can flourish.
Embrace Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is the final piece of the puzzle because you can’t let go and find balance without it. You need to recognize that it’s okay that you don’t have it all figured out, that it’s okay if you’re still making mistakes – it’s all part of the human experience. `Treat yourself with kindness in those moments of uncertainty.
Final Thoughts
There is a delicate balancing act between leaning into life and letting go of control. You have to make a conscious effort to loosen your grip on those reins, but in doing so, you will finally be able to find harmony in life! The biggest secret out there is you’ll find harmony in this moment, which means letting go and finding joy in every moment.
—–written by Charlene Vance —–
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