The learning curve for a caregiver doesn’t mean pursuing perfect. In fact, I’m not even sure that perfect and caregiving can be used in the same sentence!
As a caregiver, we learn early that growth in knowledge and ability usually comes with bumps and even road blocks. It’s easy to get discouraged when things don’t go as planned, but treating yourself with kindness and compassion can make the journey feel lighter. Shifting your focus from perfection to progress in learning and adapting will make your new role easier. You can feel proud of the small steps you take every day, knowing that each one brings you to your goal of providing good care.
The Beauty of Imperfect Progress
Growth is not about making every step perfect but rather about learning from each experience as you go. When you accept imperfection, you start to see how each misstep or delay is simply part of the process. Hard to change your loved one’s clothes because they fight you every time? Time to find some shirts that are quick and easy to put on – that don’t require pushing, pulling or twisting, movements that create frustration, give opportunities to resist and may be creating pain. Putting yourself in their shoes – or shirt — will teach you valuable lessons about your loved one’s condition that perfect progress never could. Embracing the messy parts of your journey helps you build resilience and patience, making the journey much easier.
Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations
Unrealistic expectations can create unnecessary stress and frustration. It’s important to recognize that not everything will go as planned, and that’s okay. By letting go of these high expectations, you free yourself from the pressure of being perfect. You, like every caregiver, want your loved one to maintain their “before” status. We want them to be the person with whom we fell in love, or the parent whose love always guided us. That’s not happening and you will be reminded of that repeatedly. This transition is hard, no matter what your relationship. However, when you accept the changes come with the illness, it becomes easier to stay grounded and focused on what matters most.
Celebrate Small Wins
Small wins are powerful. They may seem minor in the moment, but each one is a step forward. Celebrating these victories—whether it’s sticking to your routine for a week or learning something new—helps you stay motivated. Acknowledging your progress, no matter how small, encourages you to keep going. It also reminds you that every bit of effort counts. When you celebrate these moments, you reinforce the idea that success isn’t just about the big milestones, but about the little steps you take consistently.
Practice Self-Compassion
When things don’t go as planned, it’s easy to be hard on yourself. But practicing self-compassion is key to overcoming setbacks. Instead of criticizing yourself, try offering the same kindness you’d offer a friend in a similar situation. Remind yourself that dealing with reality is part of growth. Remind yourself that changes with your loved one’s condition can be difficult for them, as well as with you. It is really difficult to accept physical or mental decline in someone you love. Treat yourself with patience and understanding, so you can move forward with a clearer mind and renewed energy, rather than being stuck in frustration, blame or guilt.
Reframe mistakes, missed opportunities and negative actions as Growth Opportunities
When you reach the end of your rope and flame out at someone – a doctor who gave you poor advice, your loved one who didn’t stay where you left them, a long awaited appointment cancelled once again – forgive yourself. Mistakes aren’t failures; they’re opportunities to learn and grow. When something doesn’t work out, ask yourself what you can take from the experience. Reframing mistakes in this way allows you to see them as valuable parts of your journey, rather than roadblocks. Learn to be clear about what you need as a caregiver so you can communicate with the doctor, accept that your loved one’s dementia brain no longer follows directions (and cry if you want to! I did.) Perhaps find a new doctor or treatment center if cancellations are frequent. Each mistake or negative event brings new insights, helping you make better decisions moving forward. Instead of dreading setback, accept them as lessons that contribute to your progress and success
Focus on Consistency Over Perfection
Consistency is more important than perfection. It’s easy to get caught up in trying to make everything perfect, but real progress comes from showing up day after day. Focusing on consistency helps you build momentum and keep going, even when things don’t go perfectly. When you prioritize small, consistent actions over perfection, you make steady progress without the stress of getting everything just right. Over time, these consistent efforts add up to big results and add dimension to your caregiving.
Trust the Pace of Your Own Journey
Everyone’s journey is different, and it’s important to trust your own pace. Comparing yourself to others or focusing on what might be coming down the road can create unnecessary stress. Instead, focus on where you are right now. Trust that you’re moving forward at the right pace for your loved one and your circumstances. By living in the moment and giving yourself time, you create space for life and a continuing, meaningful relationship with your loved one.
Find joy in the life you are living now with your loved one.
It is not the dream you had prior to diagnosis of a long term progressive illness. Or any of the many diseases that change the trajectory of life. Not at all. When you focus too much on what you have missed and what you will miss in the future, you also miss the opportunity to enjoy what you do have. Find joy in the small moments – moments of love, peace, happiness, contentment. When you embrace the life you have, you make the journey itself meaningful and fulfilling, rather than just something to get through.
written by Charlene Vance
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