Grief in caregiving

 

Grief is a part of caregiving.    Grief is part of the reason that caregiving is so hard.

I think it important that we acknowledge that right from the beginning.

No matter the diagnosis.  No matter if the illness is terminal with end in sight, long term for the rest of life  or short term and maybe recovery. They are different types of grief, but grief nevertheless.

The person most affected – the one for whom we care – may or may not be aware of the consequences of the diagnosis.  If it is cancer or heart disease – some disease that can be corrected or for which there is known treatment – the caregiver and one cared for can respond/support  in a manner that is more “normal” for the relationship. If the disease is a brain disease, the person being cared for may not understand the implications of the diagnosis and it is entirely up to the caretaker to manage not only their own grief, but the unspoken/unknown grief of their person for the change in their life.

Whatever the circumstances, we need to acknowledge the presence of grief.

Acknowledging an emotion reduces the power that emotion has over us.  Knowing that is okay to feel the way we do, allows us to deal with the emotion.  And that freedom makes us emotionally healthier and better caregivers.

Grief is often seen as a negative emotion. 

What if we see it as a normal part of life?  We’ve been handed a huge responsibility, most of us never saw coming.  It is okay to resent that.  It is okay—but still extremely difficult – to acknowledge that, as a caregiver, we miss the reciprocal caring of the old relationship, whatever it was.  It’s okay to weep over the loss of snuggling, holding hands, the sharing of a secret joke or a special smile with your partner.  It’s okay to feel deep loss, and even anger, at parenting a parent.

We are seldom taught that it’s okay to feel difficult or negative emotions.  Those feelings are often seen as weak, unbecoming of an adult.   They are not. They are fierce expressions of anger, dismay, unfairness, frustration and loss.  They are a part of life.  By ignoring that fact, we don’t learn how to deal with them.

If we don’t know how to deal with difficult emotions, thinking there is something wrong with us, our first reaction is to try to block them.  We may reach for a buffer in an effort to soothe ourselves.  Alcohol, social media, over-scheduling, over-working, Amazon, and Netflix to name a few.   They all have consequences.

When a life changing diagnosis comes, it levels everything that was once normal, predictable, and safe in our lives.  Acknowledging that fact is the first step to dealing with the changes, and the new circumstances surrounding you.

What we resist, persists.

So how do we move on in the midst of our grief?    Recognize difficult emotions instead of ignoring or judging them.

Allow the feeling to be there. Acknowledge it and don’t try to fight it.

Name the emotion.  Is it stress, anger, sadness, regret, anxiety, a sense of loss?

Describe it.  Is it heavy, fluttery, pulsing or something else?

How does your body feel?  Is there an uncomfortable ache, shortness of breath.  Does it move or stay in one place?    If it has a color, what is it?

Breathe the feeling in and see how the feeling changes.

Repeat the above.  Have courage to be present with the feeling, not to fight it, until is loosens its grip.

Know that eventually these episodes will come less frequently and with less intensity. 

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain,” wrote Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet.  We did not ask to be caregivers, Nor did our person ask to be in that place.

We can express our true feelings of loss for ourselves, for our relationship with the one for whom we care and the future we had hoped would be.  We can live authentic lives.

written by Charlene Vance